I went through enraging hatred the other night and felt very underworked for what happened to me in my life
I was not the best at my mind, body, spirit which made me feel underwhelmed by the response I gave to people, especially my own spiritual soul, within my life
I was shocked at being ignorant about life deeply and completely.. as I was following people blind-folded, listening to them without giving myself a hear and talking to them without talking out to my heart, mind, body - soul & spirit ....... giving my self all out in love
It felt as if I didn't knew anything about life that I thought I already knew.. I was feeling insensible about rigid past which made me feel terribly low all the while now from childhood. I was raging wild in anger like a forest that burns in wildfire.. it was burning wildly in body, mind heart .... I was feeling terribly furious about various things that happened to me in my early life which led me to become hypnotic to anger, hatred, revenge, frustration which further made me vulnerable and miserable.. I felt as if I had taken a whole lot of mind to heart which provoked sensation of burning wildfire within my body, heart and mind destroying every piece of silence within me.. the energy that felt blame, revenge and hatred all at the same time.. it was horrible but then I realized I was not to be blamed or held responsible for all what other people experience because I did something to them.. or rather I was being arrogantly blamed for something I wasn't at all responsible and I felt terrible at the sight of hatred that cheated me from my own self-love tearing me apart in pieces but then I realized that blame was hatred that shattered even the best of heavens on earth .. felt disgusted at the sound of it as if like my hands burn with hatred for other people.. everyone around me blamed other people for their response to me whereas I realized I was responsible for what happened to my life.. I was shattered to indignantly realize that I created hell by my own mental pattern or pysche counsciously/ unconsciously by not forgiving the people in my past, present and within the unconscious presence of my mind.......... I gave a whole lot of everything to them for not accepting me the way I was at that point of time that made me feel miserable about everything I ever had in my life as if I had no worth to be what I was.. I felt dissipitated violent furious angry as if there was no end to life.. people took advantage of my innocence, emotions and anger as if they had no other thing to do whatsoever in their lives other than just provoke revenge within me about everything what happened to me in my life and I felt disgusted at the thought of it.. I felt as if there was no sense of trust within the people who provoked me to anger, fear, hatred and it all made well to me because I could see how miserable they were.. that they were wholely and solely responsible for whatever happened to them in their life but they were foolish to react in such a way as it would be a boomerang that will be back with a bang! All I knew was forgiveness was a strength - at a crucial point in my life that could provoke a deep sense of religious hatred towards people for not being their BEST as I expected them to be and it all felt blown-away unbounded by their frivallous nature of not being true to their own self. I just couldn't accept the truth until I consciouly realized that they were weak, dishonest and lonely souls who wandered from place to place for solace, strength, joy, satisfaction with zero self-awareness about their lives thus feeling out-of-control of their own mind, body, heart, soul - not to forget their spirit that felt let down by all that was happening within and around them - feeling bowed down to situations within their angry frivalous homes created by themselves in conjunction with their very closed ones that shattered them apart and made them dishonest, disintegrated and disembled within themselves all at once.. like a weakling who feels vulnerable because of the environment he/she lives within
All I was mistakenly asking for was 'unrequired sympathy' all the while till the end for helping my self out of this remorseful memories of the past stored within my unconscious civilian mind, from my beloved group of loved ones, which let me down in the hour of crisis as if I was solely responsible for the events that existed in my beleagured past entrenched and enchanted by my own words and deeds, as if everything had shattered into pieces of disharmony and disengagement thus making me feel miserable about my past experiences which I now turn to - to make the 'most of it' for the BEST by thinking about my conscious experiences of reality in face-to-face. All I showed was remorse, failure, lack of strength, powerlessness, poverty, vulnerability, feuds, self-pity and arrogance which led me to a point where I never wished I wanted to experience. I felt useless about who I was though I knew I was always useful and I feel I was taken away (lost) by my emotions who had more often a say than any thought / deed in my past life. It indeed felt miserable as I always believed myself to be and the thought which was at the depth of the river just started floating above on the upper layer of the river now and I just realized how helpless and powerless I felt, believed I was when I really wasn't, that was the illusion within the depths of soul going on like a looping vicious cycle which now will turn into a tide and soften the waves of the sea like never before.. the water is rough and salty though it can soften the wounds of my heart by flowing all the downgraded spirits in action from my body, mind, heart and soul.. the spirit of faith was ever lasting within me.. and will last for ever, just that I was blind-folded by my own actions, emotions and expressions to nature so that I could experience the worse in the BEST possible manner as another lesson in my ever-growing ever-glowing life
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